My experience with free online counselling

 

Stupid me, accidentally deleted this post and now I must rewrite it... Honestly, I kinda feel it could be a good thing because I feel I can explain myself better now.

Note: This is my personal experience and opinion, and obviously not professional advise!

Firstly, I got into counselling because of:

1) I feel I am stuck in a rut

2) I am extremely afraid to get into a job 

3) I hate my life

I have ranted on SGWhisper and some other anonymous rant sites and I sometimes get comments like, "get professional help" or "got for counselling".

I am quite tight on money so I actually thought about going to family service centers but while I was searching online, I actually stumble upon free online counselling on the CPH website.

I decided to try it and filled up the form and was surprised that I got a respond within 2 or 3 days. The counsellor enquired about a few things and then asked me how I want to conduct the session.

I could choose to have the sessions via:

1) Phone

2) Face to face 

3) Whatsapp

4) email

I opted for email because I didn't want to provide too much of my personal information. She is respectful of my choice and we started a session.

She did some background check about my past and values. We quickly got into some of my problems/issues.

I told her about my anxiety with my looks, my fear of social interactions and how I fear commitments and relationships.

I just have a believe that people will start to hate on each other as they interact more and more. And this is linked to me having this "automatic hypocrite mode" whereby I try to sound correct and hide my honest opinions. I am not the most lovable person and can be quite argumentative (for the sake of it), so that will make me kinda irritating.

Anyways, I was struggling to get a job at that time. I tried JOD (jobs on demand) but I kept getting rejected. (like 5 in a row!) I guess it has got to do with my previous job with them. 

I applied and got a position as waitress back in October last year. I have 0 experience (they didn't ask for someone with experience) but I decided to try out since it's just 4 or 5 hours.

I received 10 minutes of training and started the job. I must say it's way too fast pace for me and I didn't have time to adapt and settle in. My social anxiety just make things worst. The manager told me that he didn't feel like paying me towards the last hour of my job.

I stayed and completed the final hour and then left feeling like shit. I guess the manager must have feedback to the platform because after that, I wasn't able to get selected for any job on JOD.

At first I thought it's because I wasn't a "frequent" user and I just apply once in a while but it seems like that's not the case. I have been trying for a few weeks already and still nothing!

Anyways, out of the issues we discussed, the counsellor seems to pick up more on my anxieties, especially about expectations. 

I don't know how to put it across. I do think the counsellor is very professional and eloquent but ... how do I put it across ... I don't feel close with her.

Maybe because she is too professional to the point that she discusses issues more than trying to address/validating my feelings. I don't feel better after talking to her sometimes.

I know counselling is never an easy process, it's about digging deep into yourself to find the (most probably) decades old "root cause" of the problems you're facing now. It can be painful and sometimes draining. I kinda grew tired of it. 

Sometimes, I just put off replying to the email till I was more ready and positive. Because there are times I wrote a long email about what I feel and my problems and she came back with a short respond with explanations that I knew already.

I really don't know what the sessions will lead to. I mean we have been exchanging emails for a month now ... I don't feel more motivated or better. Perhaps, I do understand myself a little better and then?

I am not saying that counselling is bad or that counselling should solve all problems. But perhaps I have the impression that counselling should make things better (from my personal believe and the comments I get online). 

Honestly, I am disappointed. But maybe it's because counselling is better when face to face? IDK.