[Rant] Do what you can, not what you feel is right!

 

This is a fucking rant, the door is there if you don't like rants!

Yeay, I cursed because that genuinely takes some steam off. Whether you believe it or not.

I am not a positive person and I am also someone who is easily swayed by others. And that's why I am pretty wary of strangers. But am I wary of my close ones? Nope.

But do I talk to them a lot? Nope.

Sometimes I feel they are not ready to take my shit and sometimes I knw they're not interested in the things that interest me. Is it sad? Not really, because I am more of an introvert and find my ways to relief off ... erm just that sometimes it becomes a rant like this.

I think most of us are told that we should do the right thing but I came to understand we should do what we can. And not force ourselves to do the right thing.

Yes, it sounds selfish but sometimes doing the right thing can be so mentally hurting.

I will be honest here. I don't earn much but I do shoulder some spending of my family. Like my mum's lessons fees and my family online shopping.

My sister buy imported shampoo from Taiwan and that is on me, my mum have needs for costumes and shoes for her performances and I pay for all of those. My family aren't big spender so I can still afford those. (And TBH, these are nothing compare to what my sister have to shoulder)

I pay my own phone bill and my own shopaholic needs (obviously!). I have enough to sustain while saving a little monthly... erm, maybe not monthly. 

Then came this BIG thing. My sister and mother wants to go Europe and booked a tour. 

Honestly, I wished to join them but then CPF came knocking for me to topup my Medisave again. You think the GST vouchers/Covid relieves come from where? These "New" insurance premiums which are mandatory for all youth to get.

And it increases each year as you aged.

I have to turn them down and was so glad that the tour have been fully booked! So they don't pester me to join in. 

BUT THEN! My father have a brilliant idea!

He heard from my sister that the travel agent had another tour group which wasn't full yet and asked my sister to try asking to transfer to that group.

Some to and fro and it was done... as in they had worked out everything with no increase in price or topup for the change or air tickets. I thought it was the right thing to do after everyone (including the travel agent) have gone through and that it's always "the right choice" to choose family (esp old parents) over money.

I bite the bullet and said yes.

Nightmare!

At first, we thought that our winter wear from our last trip will be adequate for this trip - but hell no! We need to buy them again because there is almost a 5-15 degrees of discrepancy! 

Our sport shoes won't work because they're expecting rain and if we got our feet wet then it's very bad news! We're advised to get proper winter shoes that are water and wind proof.

All these adds up another $300+/person. 

Then there is travel insurance which we have to buy on our own and the 320EUR "tips" which I didn't know about. I have to ask my sister to pay half of the 320 euros for me.

After which, I have just enough for changing the euros needs (estimated by the agent) ... I cannot tell you how guilty I was. I was so stressed up too!

I tried looking for a part time even though I was struggling mentally about it. I know people don't believe in such struggles - they equal it with laziness but I have many sleepless nights after applying for jobs. I fear working and that's why I chose Grabfood but that has become unsustainable and obviously not for quick bucks.

I have mentioned in my previous post, even JOD doesn't want me. Honestly, I was both stressed and relieved about it. I know, contradicting.

I do get some whatsapps response for certain openings but they wanted someone who can work for longer period of times. (esp during the festive seasons which I will be abroad).

I was thinking I should just fucking forego the travel insurance. IDK, I can't really think now.

But that's not the end of it. I know my sister have shouldered too much of the trip expenses and they're still asking me to celebrate my birthday - like ask me to pick a restaurant for my birthday meal.

I told them since we're already going on a trip, we should just leave it. I don't need a birthday meal, it doesn't make me happy, I am just guilty af. But they insisted, I guess partly because my father won't be joining us on the trip and they (sis and mum) doesn't want him to feel further "left out" (and also straining our already bad relationship). Again, this might be the "right thing" to do - for peace and IDK.

They probably didn't know about my guilt and how I feel like shit. I asked them to choose the restaurant instead since they're so insistence. They probably didn't expect the GST and service charge would bring the cost to so much more than expected! 

My sister casually joked about "needing to chew bread from now on".  

I could already tell how bad the trip would be - with little sleep, rushing a lot and stress I already brought over ... and the shit after I came back.

By the way... I am not blaming anyone... I am just very very stressed.